This Town Ain't Big Enough For the Both of Us...

Imagine the scene. It's 10pm in an East End Victorian pub, many are assembled awaiting the arrival of one man, so that the brawl can begin, but this isn't just any brawl- this is a Twitterbrawl. Everyone knows where they stand, no holds barred, all weapons, all fighting styles allowed, maximum violence, vulgarity and destruction expected. One thing is for certain, many will not leave the pub but just who is responsible for this waste of life. The man with the blood of hundreds on his hands is none other than comedian Tiernan Douieb.

Sure enough, the man himself arrives, punctual as ever and announces

Good evening. *strolls into pub, doffs hat. In hat is huge glove with spikes on it. Hits you all with it in the face* Duel? #twitterbrawl

and Hell is unleashed within the confines of a freehouse. In the midst of this madness it is hard to keep track of all and sundry (one must be alert for danger to oneself, first and foremost) however, alliances will be forged, severed limbs will be taken up and used as cudgels, traction engines will smash through walls and the brawl will, to quote fictional detective Gene Hunt, 'get a bit tasty'. I did endeavour to keep track of all the blows I received during this melee:

• Had a bottle thrown at me by flahr
• Had the brawlmeister himself, Tiernan Douieb, thrown at me by James Walker
• Hit in the face by a Cuban heel, a combination of Zoe Fell and James Walker again, to which I responded by throwing a whole Cuban (Victorian revolutionary Ignacio Agramonte, if you were wondering)
• Had bombs thrown at me by Tiernan (by way of the Time Traveller from HG Wells' 'The Time Machine'), after which I called in the Grenadier Guards to fight fire with fire. There was however a pay dispute which led me to exclaim
  

  @TiernanDouieb Hold on a tick. Right, the administration's a bit of a bugger. Have some Scarlet Fever *hurls ailing child*. #twitterbrawl

• Having died several times Tiernan Douieb returned as the Ghost of Christmas Past to show the brawlers terrifying visions of there misdeeds. Never one to back down, I replied with the following

  @TiernanDouieb I harbour fear for no ghost. Come hither, so I can administer to you a Dickensian drubbing. #twitterbrawl

• As punishment for firing Bob Cratchitt, I had Tiny Tim hurled at my face by the Ghost of Christmas Past. Still refusing to submit, I delivered what I considered to be my finest line of the night.

  @TiernanDouieb Scrooge, am I? That's it, I'm going to give you a bloody Bob CROTCH-hit. Arf. #twitterbrawl

• The hour allotted for the brawl had nearly expired and it turned ugly, Elephant Man ugly (this Victorian theme is still going strong). James apparently had a self-destruct function primed for 11 o'clock and Tiernan too had set a device to explode at the fateful hour. Taking wild swings I prepared to be immolated in a firewall of explosives and Scottish flesh but to my horror I found myself alive but terribly scarred. Determined not to take my chances with the surgeon I ended my life with my bayonet... or I would have done if some swine hadn't replaced it with jellied eels.
  

Just to recap-

Things I Had Thrown At Me

1 bottle
1 monarch (Queen Victoria)
1 comedian (Tiernan Douieb)
1 Cuban heel
3 bombs
1 ghostly Dickensian vision
1 Tiny Tim
2 massive waves of explosive destruction

Things I Threw Back

1 shoe-shine boy (kicked after shoddy Dubbin work)
1 lid (from a Mason jar of whoopass that I opened carefully)
1 lot of fisticuffs (thrown wildly)
2 monarchs (Princes Albert and Edward - I'd grabbed them by the sacks ((Coburg)) and threw them like a hammer)
1 Cuban (Ignacio Agramonte)
1 cloud of pipe smoke (coughed in Tiernan's face)
3 Grenades (All I could manage after the admin problems with the Grenadier Guards)
1 laboured pun-based kick to the crotch
1 Al Swearengen

So, as one might imagine, I'm still suffering a few aches and pains but much fun was had by all. Imaginative fatalities all round and a cracking hour of verbal fisticuffs from some of Twitter's finest unsung wits. If you fancy seeing how the entire affair played out, simply click on any of the hashtags in the quotes and you'll be able to see how it all went down.