Guest Blogs... Because Sometimes I Don't Work Hard Enough...

Right, the blogs might have been a touch lacklustre recently, but that's about to change. I've been busy over the last few nights (old friends to catch up with, awards to be presented with, beer to be consumed in large volume etc.) but that's no excuse for neglecting the blog. People have questioned me about the awards and the answer is that they were simply academic (by which I mean they were for academia, not that they're irrelevant... and they were presented by Stuart Pearce, so have that...) and they were followed by copious amounts of alcohol as was today, for no real reason. So I apologise for that, also this is a slightly drunken, late night blog... meaning I might use the word 'cunt' and there might be boobs (very unlikely). Anywho, the lovely and talented Hoffi stepped into the breach to save the day.

Despite having university work to complete and a play to finish I somehow found myself with nothing to do this evening… ok, so I am feeling too lazy to do those things so I decided to hijack this blog space instead (with permission).

It was while writing the aforementioned comedy play for a local youth theatre group that I was suddenly stumped, I was midway through a joke when I realised that I was hurtling dangerously fast towards the ‘S’ word. I stopped and considered this a moment. The youngest actors performing this play would be fourteen was it appropriate to mention sex? And, not only to mention it but to have the words come from their mouths?

Here is the brief moment in the scene in question:

DASHER: What are you doing?

PANDA: Looking at Skud’s facebook page.

DASHER: Oh right, anything interesting?

PANDA: COW!

DASHER: What? What is it?

PANDA: Hi I’m Sarah Jordan and I like putting little xs and os at the end of my messages to other people’s boyfriends.

DASHER: Slut.

PANDA: Well, I’ll show her… (As she’s typing.) Hi Skud, I’ve thinking of you. I lo-like you so very very much. See you later. Kiss, kiss , kiss…

SKUD enters.

PANDA: Hug, hug, hug, SE- (She sees Skud) EEEX!

My mind is immediately cast back to when I was around fourteen. I remember watching Titanic with my mum and older sister I remember the following conversation after a particular reference was made in the film:

“Mum, what’s a prostitute.”

To which she replied, “It is someone who sells love.”

“Oh, that sounds like a nice job,” I innocently replied.

Of course my mum went on to explain further, my sister hiding her sniggers. I look back at this and know that it would not have been appropriate for me to be a play with jokes regarding sex in at that age.

However, I turn to facebook (surely a good place to gauge what is socially acceptable in the younger generation) and find fourteen year olds joining groups like ’50 things girls wish guys knew’ and the 50 things includes ‘There is no such thing as too much spooning.’ And ‘Just because you L the C doesn't mean we have to S the D.’ amongst other things. So, perhaps my rather innocent mention of the S word doesn’t seem so inappropriate in comparison.

I am beginning to feel a little middle aged and prudish now. The age of sexual knowledge seems to be upon us now. Indeed my sister, now a primary school teacher (year 5) tells me that several girls in her class have avidly been reading the Twilight Saga, including the last book that has sex as well as violence in the form of vampires biting through a woman’s stomach to get her baby out. (Yes… seriously- I wonder how that is going to happen in the film) Is this really appropriate for ten year olds?

Strangely, after deciding that it is fine to include the word ‘Sex’ and a few mild references to sexual things (I am aiming for sort of 12 certificate for this play) I have decided against including any swear words stronger than ‘arse’ and ‘slut’. Somehow swear words seem far less appropriate for this age group than sexual content. Indeed, I imagine I would get more complaints from parents if I used a stronger swear word than from making a mild sex joke. Notice the use of ‘Cow’ rather than ‘bitch’.

Perhaps I was just a little too innocent back then (A thing that I would admit to) but I find it a little sad that more children aren’t like that today. I suppose by including such jokes I am only adding fuel to the already burning fire but once someone knows these things there is no way of unknowing them.

I might be showing my age here, but I don't understand what L-ing the C and S-ing the D are, though I suspect I wouldn't like it elaborated... oh no, wait, I think I've got it. Yeah, we can't say those things on here... That said, if being out of touch means that I don't have to read the explicit, preposterous Volvo adverts that are the volumes of the Twilight saga (being a heterosexual male also helps to prevent this) then that's ok by me.

If anyone fancies producing a couple of guest blogs, I'd be more than happy to put them up (you'd be suitable advertised, naturally) presuming they adhere to my rigorous community standards... erm, don't use the c-word unless you're me, don't incite racial hatred and don't use a picture of Nick Griffin unless the caption for the picture is the c-word.

Night night, Blogosphere. Sleep tight.