They Think It's All Over... And, Well, It Is... Definitely...

So, another World Cup final has gone by. What did we learn, kids? Well, we learnt that Howard Webb shines his head for special occasions (possibly), that octopi are psychic and will surely enslave us all over the coming months (potentially), that Mark van Bommel has to produce a gun and threaten at least 3 opposition players with it to receive a red card (probably) and that when Ivory Coast players fall over to get someone sent off it's terrible but when men with faces much too small for their heads do it (*cough* Iniesta *cough*) it's genius.

What a thoroughly disheartening spectacle. The final was poor, no two ways about it. There were a handful of clear cut chances. Arjen Robben, through on goal numerous times, must surely now be thinking that it's time to dedicate more of the training regime to dinking it over the 'keeper and less to falling over like Tom Daley with pins and needles in both legs. Not even David Villa could score this time and we rumbled through a turgid 90 minutes, with the prospect of penalties looming large. Neither team looked like breaking through. It was a team of hatchet men versus a team of divers. Both cheats, but at least one goes about it in a more distinguished way than the other. Let's face it, kicking Sergio Busquets in the testicles is much, much more impressive than falling to the ground clutching your face like a nancy.

Anyway, as it happens, cheating small-face Iniesta bore down on the box only to hit some manner of ethereal hurdle in the time-space continuum, resulting in the sending off of Everton's John Heitinga, by Rotherham's Howard Webb. Now, I'm just going to put this out there... World Cup conspiracy theories... You can do what you like with that. 6 minutes later, that same shrunken Spaniard was in the box and rifled home the winner.

It was a poor game, not England-Algeria poor, but it nonetheless made me hope for serious injury or some kind of pitch invasion just to liven things up a bit. Highlights included Nigel de Jong letting Xabi Alonso know he was there... by kicking him square in the sternum and a Spanish fan being punched in the face after attempting to put a hat on the World Cup trophy.

Some People are on the Pitch! Oh... Wait, That's Just Footballers...

Bizarre football result news now (I am trying to limit myself rambling about football but it's not so easy, I'm sure many of you still have nightmares about the Winter Olympics and what that did to this blog. I'll try and keep it to 1 or 2 posts a week maximum and find other funny things to ramble about, promise - an example of things that I intend to comment on this week: Doctor Who, the 'Emergency' Budget, ). The World Cup has definitely kicked into action now, you can tell from the bickering within the teams and the inevitable fannying around from supposedly the best players in the world.

Let's deal with this chronologically. Friday saw England play out an awful 0-0 against Algeria that was very much the definition of 'bore draw'. As well as an absolutely shocking performance from Capello's men, it was also one of the most tedious 93 odd minutes of football in living memory. Neither team looked like scoring or indeed looked entirely like they could be arsed (if you want to see the awful spectacle yourself but done in a much, much more exciting way, then have a look at this). That said, it's not as though the other 'potential winners' are faring any better either. France have pushed the self-destruct button and may well end up putting out the coaching staff to face South Africa in the final group game and Italy's campaign has stuttered equallly as impressively as England's.

The current champion's fought back to snatch a draw in their opening game and were forced to do much the same against a spirited New Zealand team. Shane Smeltz stunned the Azurri by poking home the opening goal (from a, shall we say, mildly offside position) past a helpless Federico Marchetti after a magnificent Simon Elliot free kick. Juve's Vincenzo Iaquinta smashed home a spot kick after handbags between Ipswich's Tommy Smith and Roma's Daniele De Rossi (notice the difference there?) in the area. The All Whites held on to clinch easily the best result in the footballing history of a nation that doesn't even have a professional domestic league. So, the embarrassment is being piled onto Marcello Lippi's team but where did the rot start?

Well, fortunately for the Azurri, they still possess many of 2006's World Cup-winning team, unfortunately even then they were considered one of the oldest teams in the competition and the legs have only become more heavy and the faces more beardy in those 4 years (see: Daniele De Rossi, who appears to have spent his end of season break auditioning for a role as Tom Hanks' friend in Cast Away 2 or genuinely on a desert island). Also they lost the one-time 'world's best goalkeeper' Gianluigi Buffon in the first game of the group stage, replacing him with inexperienced Marchetti (just because you dress him exactly like Buffon, doesn't gift him the talent, Marcello) who has at times appeared a little unconvincing as a deputy.

But the madness didn't stop there, in yesterday's evening fixture, Brazil vs. Cote d'Ivoire (it strikes me as odd that we have to refer to them as that or CIV, none of the other countries insist on the native tongue spelling of their country in every other nation), we were given everything from the sublime to the ridiculous. Luis Fabiano opened the scoring with a well-taken finish after a threaded through pass from Kaka (who would still have his part to play in this crazy spectacle) and the Sevilla striker followed up with some flashy skills and after a flick and a jink (and at least two separate handlings of the ball) Fabiano thundered home the half volley. The ref even seemed to check with the striker if he'd handled. "Nope" Fabiano no doubt replied (except in Portugese). "That's good then. Just checking. Wouldn't want to make an arse of myself." The ref then replied (probably), before nodding and winking. Nonsense.

We weren't done with the bizarre yet though, not by a long chalk. Elano scored Brazil's third goal with a deft first touch into the net from Kaka's terrific squared ball (he's still not done though). Elano ran to the TV cameras and pulled down his socks taking out his shin pads (complete with his children's names emblazoned on them - funny place to put them, where no-one could see them, where they'll get sweaty and possibly be clattered into by an Ivorian, but we'll get back to that). It was strangely prophetic, as, just seconds later, Tiene smashed his studs metaphorically into Elano's children (see what I meant about getting back to that). I can only hope that he did actually put his shin pads back on, but then you'd be a fool not to (although, as we've established, you'd also be a fool to put your children's names on your shin pads). Either way he was stretchered from the field of play, while two children were no doubt sobbing in Sao Paulo after being sybolically scraped by an Ivorian's studs. Yet we still weren't done with what was one of the best games of the tournament so far (along with Slovenia-USA) but for all the wrong reasons.

Drogba pulled back a consolation goal for the Ivory Co... sorry, Cote d'Ivoire but they never looked like pulling a miraculous comeback despite the final twist in the tail/tale (depending on your persuasion). The ball went out for an inocuous throw-in but Kader Keita was on the floor clutching his face as if he'd been playing the part of 'Man Who Receives Chainsaw to the Face' in a low budget horror movie. What had happened? The Ivorians surrounded Kaka. Jonathan Pearce was apopleptic with confusion. The replays showed Keita given a cheeky nudge in the torso by Kaka, off the ball. So, he was given a little elbow in the chest. Then why was he rolling around on the floor like the victim of a botched assassination attempt? Well, presumably to get the already booked Kaka sent off. Which happened. Nice job there, folks.

Football, eh?