No Sex Toys Please, We're British...

We're all going to Hell in a handcart! Alright, we probably aren't, but This Morning's Sex Week is continuing apace and there is very, very little else to blog about really. It's been one of those weeks where there's frankly been a shocking lack of the annoying or amusingly preposterous in the news. Today's sticky wicket: Sex Toys. Yes, even the couples in the studio giggled at this one. Again Schofe and Willo bravely presented their way through such titilating devices as the 'Sqweel Oral Sex Stimulator' (absolutely unforgivable... spelling 'squeal' like that, whodo they think they are?!) As they went to the couples however, things began to fall apart. Most of the participants were patently uncomfortable discussing the facts, yet a small minority seemed almost smug at turning the air blue.

The next couple tested the 'Rampant Rabbit: Thruster Deluxe' which Holly had to interrupt with the name of (Schofield maintaining the pretense that he had 'lost the name on the sheet') and the 'Ice Vibe', a vibrating ice cube, as one might imagine. "So this is something you'd have to plan before, isn't it." Holly explained as if it was some device cobbled together whilst watching an episode of SMart or Fingertips. One of the testers brought up the issue of having the Ice Vibe in the freezer and the perils of children looking for their ice creams. The less said, the better presumably. The couples then dished out scores in the same way that one would evaluate a beauty product or some such other inocuous product on a daytime TV show. I can't quite put into words the bizarre element of watching TM's Sex Week, it's a very, very strange experience. One wrestles with embarrassment one second and then rushes to stifle childish giggles the next. Still if you fancy hearing Phillip Schofield say things like 'WeVibe' and 'Oral Sex Stimulator' while looking slightly mortified at the same time, you could be in for a treat.

Also tackled today was 'Infidelity: Can It Be Good?' to which the topic should have been an extreme close up of Schofield's face as he said "NO!" with a stentorian bellow. Sadly, they had a whole piece where agony aunt Denise Robertson (I'm awaiting the Denise Does Dallas special tomorrow with baited breath... although I may have made that up) met the founder of a dating website who believes that cheating can save marriages. I don't have any particularly strong feelings for gnosticism, but if that's the mentality, we're all going to Hell! I can't be sure but I'm pretty certain that marriages are saved by focusing on the issues present and working hard to keep it together, thus creating stronger bonds than ever before, instead of whoring yourself out to an interweb stranger...

I think This Morning have missed a trick here though. As I mentioned yesterday they are only able to show fully clothed couples making sex positions with no movement and simply showing a plastic toy wobbling around to demonstrate its action. Surely they should have instead employed those puppets from the Dolmio trailers that are bolted on before and after the commercial breaks. There's an old couple and a younger couple, they live in a Italian sex villa, they have access to food (kinky) and they almost certainly aren't anatomically correct. What could possibly go wrong? Don't answer that...


TYSIC Update

Well, exciting developments in the Ten Year Self Improvement Challenge. I have a new project to bolt on to my existing 10 year goals. A graphic novel. Wait, come back... they're not just for sweaty, bespectacled guys... they can tackle issues. This one tackles the issues of a bleak 1980s Britain and a team of masked Military Intelligence operatives with no discernable superpowers whatsoever. 'No superpowers?' I hear you cry. 'How's that going to work?' Well simply put, the aim is Alan Moore meets David Peace. It's Watchmen meets the Miner's Strike in a grim, mature noir about asbsolute power corrupting absolutely and one Yorkshire lad who won't forget his roots, even if it means turning on his former comrades and defying the very government that used to employ him. I'll keep you posted on the details. This is all copyrighted by the way...