Bonfire of the Chancellors...

Right, there was a little bit of argy bargy last night between the three men hoping to be Chancellor come the General Election in May. It was clash of the titans time- Darling vs. Cable vs. Osborne. The Quiet Man vs. The Clever Man vs. The C***. Now, I was out so I didn't see it, but I have been told about it and done a bit of reading and I can safely say that it almost certainly went down something like this:

Krishnan Guru-Murthy welcomed the viewers to the debate and then handed over to 'veteran voice of the Octagon' Bruce Buffer to announce the competitors. "It is time!" Buffer roared into the microphone. "In the red corner, the reigning, defending UK Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair 'The Eyebrow Man' DAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGG!" Buffer takes an enormous gasping inhalation. "In the blue corner, this man is a member of the Shadow Cabinet, weighing in with preposterous efficiency savings. George 'The Poshboy' OSSSSSBBOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRNNNNNNE!" Buffer's complexion is by this point that of a beetroot. "And finally. In the yellow corner, this man is a highly respected treasury spokesman, weighing in with Cassandra-like premonitions of the economic collapse. Vincent 'Twinkletoes' CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABLE!". Buffer then passes out and is dragged from the stage by two runners as Krishnan fires a pistol into the air to declare the debate open.

It gets pretty ugly, pretty quick, a flurry of combinations thrown by each economist. Cable has nothing to lose, he knows that despite the fact he makes sense he has no chance of election and goes absolutely crazy mauling Osborne. "George, last week you went round denouncing government supposed efficiency savings as complete fiction. You are now using these fictional savings to finance your tax cut." There's an intake of breath from the crowd and all eyes are on Master Osborne. "Your mum's complete fiction." He retorts (presumably). He then ticks off something on his notepad.

Darling smiles and opens his mouth. "Hold the phone!" Cable yells. "I'm not exactly dancing a jig over your policies either, Darling." The Chancellor looks crestfallen. "I'm sorry, love, but remember Osborne's National Insurance fiddling is complete bollocks." Cable pauses thoughtfully. "That's as may be," he announces, "but people don't trust your party now either."
"So," replied Darling flippantly, "it's not like you'll get elected anyway."

Cable's eyes were ablaze, he ran at Darling and tackled him so hard his hair turned white (oh, hang on...). Osborne looked for a cheap shot while Cable wasn't looking, but the old dog spun quickly and roundhouse kicked the Tory in the face, leaving his opponents in a bloodied pile. Wrestling the microphone from Krishnan, Cable pointed straight at the camera. "The Labour government led us into this mess... The Tories presided over two big recessions in office, they wasted most of the North Sea oil revenue, they sold off the family silver on the cheap. Now they want to have another turn to get their noses in the trough and reward their rich backers. The Liberal Democrats are different. We got this crisis basically right. We are not beholden to either the super rich or the militant unions!"

With that, he threw the microphone to the floor and tipped over the camera before walking back down the gangway to 'Stranglehold' by Ted Nugent. The curtains fell and a battered Krishnan wished everyone goodnight.

Well, I imagine it went something like that, didn't it...?