Hello Oslo, this is London Calling...

Well, it was Eurovision on Saturday a festival of bland/bizarre/irritating (delete as appropriate) Europop. Some highlights included a pitch invasion during Spain's entry and a Russian entry apparently loosely based on Flight of the Conchord's 'Petrov, Yelyena and Me'.

Anyway seeing as I am now on holiday (normal blog service will resume on Thursday) here's what watching Eurovision with me would have been like. (I know, I'm a hoot)

SERBIA

I never realised that Limahl was Serbian...
Anyone fancy explaining to me what the fuck just happened? Nope? No takers?

SPAIN

Spain get ANOTHER go? This could be like Dante's 7th Circle of Hell...

GREECE

Greece might have done alright these last 6 years, but I mean, they can't have spent much on this years, can they?
I think they blew all the Euros on hiring Billy Ray Cyrus to perform the customary 'traditional Greek instrument' solo.

UK

Right, so Josh is the same age as me, eh? Is that in the same way that Tim from #juniorapprentice is 17?!
Interesting. Usually it's the backing singers in tune and the lead hopeless. This appears to be the other way round.
Encouraging clapping with all the enthusiasm of a barracked substitute teacher.

GEORGIA

I'm starting to see the point of Russian occupation.

ICELAND

Here's Iceland. And it is all over! #eurovision #fatladysingsjoke

(I was first with the fat lady sings joke. It was then endlessly repeated by other people who got the credit. That's what Twitter is basically - more popular people stealing your jokes)

ARMENIA

Yuri and the Giant Apricot? (Referring to another's joke about James and the Giant Peach)
Massive apricot and a buggering key change, plus a rousing Communist chorus. How can this not win? (This one was retweeted by the Red Scare Bot - E-McCarthysim)

ISRAEL

Am I correct in thinking that we have to listen to this from right to left?
If you're wondering, that last joke was about it being in Hebrew. Because it so much funnier when you explain these things...
(During the voting clips) That was definitely the best clip of Israel's entry to show, wasn't it(?) Anti-Semitic conspiracy?

DENMARK

I hope Andy, Stuart and Sting are suing the fuck out of these guys. (Patent plagiarism of opening bars of 'Every Breath You Take')

VOTING JOKES

Wait, don't tell me, it's David Laws to deliver our voting results, right?
8 point to Greece? (from Germany) Is that instead of bailing them out with Euros?
If Greece win, does the rest of the Eurozone have to pay for them hosting it next year?
10 points to Georgia from Russia. Is that to apologise for all the invasion business last year?
I'll have what the Azerbaijani lady's having.
And, Malta. After everything we've done for you!
I'm not sure people should be allowed to enter songs that have achieved commercial success. It's hardly in the spirit of #eurovision...
Oh no, is that woman going to do her Dick van Dyke again? (referring to German winner Lena and her awful Mockney accent ((again, people with more influence later made this joke to much applause and back-slapping. Don't you just hate being a nobody?)))

Again. Least convincing German woman I've ever seen. Ever.