Bite Me Again: Staring Through Windows at Teenage Vampires - Part Deux

If you cast your minds back to February you might remember me giving the 'Or So I Thought...' treatment to 'Twilight'. Well, yesterday I had the dubious honour of watching the sequel. 'The Twiglet Saga: New Volvo' (or something like that anyway).

So after a dramatic opening we arrive with Mary Sue and Cedric enthralled by each other in school. Cedric has a new Volvo (hence the title, I suppose - I'm looking forward to this year's 'The Twiglet Saga: Another Year, Another Volvo'...). They're supposed to be paying attention in class and aren't. Who'da thunk it?

Did I mention it's Mary Sue's birthday? Well it is. Her Dad (very much still the only sympathetic character in the entire thing) gives her a camera and Mary Sue does her impression of what she thinks teenage gratitude looks like and wobbles her chin a little. Time to go and see the Cullens as a birthday treat. Woops, Mary Sue's got a papercut... oh and Twisty Smile Vampire has gone apeshit fucking mental. To remedy this, Cedric throws her into a glass table (he's an all-round stand-up guy, ya see?). Coop/Dr. Acula stitches her up and sends her on her way.

Cedric informs Mary Sue that he's leaving. The reason? Coop looks ten years younger than he's supposed to be apparently (go him!). Cue Mary Sue sitting in her room crying for literally 3 months (I'm serious here, they even put the months up on the screen as she stares out of the window). She suffers from nightmares, from which her put-upon father has to wake her and comfort her (clearly thinking "What the fuck is wrong with you?! Anymore of this and you can go live with your mom and that baseball gigolo of hers..."). In the end she learns that danger allows her to see Cedric again. To that end, while walking with a friend she challenges a group of bikers and proceeds to receive a backie. She returns to her friend (who inexplicably remained rooted to the spot, the mug). "I thought I saw something." Explains Mary Sue. "Which is naturally why I rode on the back of a strangers bike for 10 minutes and left you waiting there" (not verbatim).

Danger. That''s the key. She promptly takes some bikes to Rafa Nadal, who has apparently turned into Geoff Capes (readers under the age of 30, see here). Together they rebuild some bikes. Mary Sue crashes her bike and injures her head. Rafa quickly runs over to her, noticing the tiny drip of blood on her forehead, he promptly rips off his t-shirt (which she doesn't even tie around her head to staunch the bleeding or anything). "You're, like, kind of beautiful" blurts Mary Sue in one of the films numerous facepalm moments. More stuff happened and for reasons which I can't fully remember, Mary Sue decided to accost some of Rafa's shirtless comrades (she didn't catch them off-guard, they're just always shirtless). When one turns into a wolf and charges towards her, Rafa (now with a tattoo and haircut) bounds out from the house and leaps, transforming into a werewolf, to Mary Sue's amazement. Amazement? Did she not even watch the trailers? Everyone knows he's a fucking werewolf.

Ooh, just remembered some stuff. Anyone remember token black, French vampire from the first film? Nope, me neither, but he got savaged by some werewolves earlier. Where was I? Um. Mary Sue leaps off a cliff. Blah, blah, blah... she's saved by Rafa. Blah, blah, blah. Cassandra Vampire turns up at the Cullen place and talks to Mary Sue, explaining that she saw a premonition of Mary Sue jumping off the cliff and came to check she was alright. Rafa arrives in the house and answers the phone. It's Cedric. Rafa hangs up (we've all had phone convos like that...). Cassandra says that Cedric now intends to get himself executed by the Vampire Pope by revealing himself in public.

Mary Sue and Cassandra board a flight to Italy (Virgin Atlantic - kerching- see what they did there? Kill me, kill me now...). They then drive a bright yellow Porsche through the streets of a generic Italian town. Mary Sue runs through a crowd of people in red capes (it's National People Wear Red Capes Day in Italy, see?) and hugs Cedric back through the doors before he can be compromised. However Mary Sue gets taken to the Vampire Pope (Tony Blair/Brian Clough) who says that they must either kill her or turn her into a vampire. Cedric then has the shit kicked out of him (again for reasons which I don't fully understand). Note - this scene would be much more entertaining with a song like, say, Alive and Kicking by Simple Minds in the background.

Back in Forks, some other stuff happened. I won't lie, I wasn't really paying attention and, in all honesty, the film should have finished about 30 minutes ago. Urm, I think Mary Sue has to become a vampire or something. Rafa's pissed anyhow... oh that's right, Cedric had to go and see Rafa and they had an argument. Cedric pushed Rafa who promptly turned into a wolf. "Bring it, fuckface!" (again, not verbatim) Cedric said. "Stop it!" Mary Sue said, interposing herself between the two. Rafa had a weepy look in his wolfy eye and retreated. Then there was some stuff (token appearances by Plastic Whore Vampire and Fuck-off Massive Vampire) and it finished.

Well, that was basically it anyway...

All in all, it's more preposterous than the first but not quite as enjoyably bad. Swings and roundabouts.