Hit the Flapjack and Don't You Come Back No More...

Ok, today we're going to do some baking. MAAAN baking. Flapjacks, specifically.

Things you'll need -
Butter
Condensed Milk
Golden Syrup
Caster Sugar
Porridge Oats

1. Whack 300g of butter (you could weigh it on scales or approximate. It's essentially much more than you think, but not quite a whole slab) into a saucepan and heat it.
   
2. Chuck in about 340g of Caster sugar (again you could measure it, but measuring is very much for losers) and stir -I used a plastic spoon, you can use whatever you have lying around (ruler, table leg etc.).
   
3. Fetch your Golden Syrup (if you can get the fucker open, fiddly, so it is) and throw in 4 tablespoons of the stuff.
   
4. Get it all over you hands and clothes.
5. Swear profusely.
6. Add in 200ml of Condensed Milk, if you can bear to watch it slop into your already slightly sickly mixture (especially the squeezy kind, awful consistency, awful) and take the pan off the heat.
7. Add in 500g of porridge oats (go for the manly jumbo oat variety advertised by burly Scotsmen in kilts) and stir until all the oats are covered in your frankly disgusting-looking yellow caramel mixture.
8. Heat up your oven to 170 degrees (if you have one that doesn't work in degrees, then I'm sorry, I can't help you, you shouldn't have got this far without checking).
   
9. Pour your disgraceful, oaty slop into a high sided pan, lined with baking parchment (parchment? What is this? Harry Potter?) and pat down vigorously with a spatula (the fun bit, go nuts, son, go nuts).
10. Shove in the oven for 15-20 minutes and grab yourself a beer, soldier. You've earned it. (Definitely don't forget about it and leave it in the oven though. Definitely don't do that)
11. Remove from the oven and cut into 16 or so pieces.
12. Cut self accidentally.
13. Bleed profusely.
14. Swear profusely.
15. ?????????
16. Eat.