The Monkey and the Plywood Violin...

Monkey News now (yes, nothing else of note has happened). The Capuchin monkey that escaped from the South Lakes Wild Animal Park on 8th April has been recaptured after a cunning police move.

Spotted near Dalton Railway station, the police were quickly alerted and set off in pursuit of the slippery simian. Knowing the game was surely up, McQueen (the name I have now given the monkey) headed for a final showdown with the rozzers in Dalton Cemetery. Circling the tombstones, he patiently waited for the arrival of the police, thinking over his plan of attack. "I might be going down," he probably thought, "but I'm taking these bastards with me." Leaping upon a stone celtic cross, he yelled out "you'll never take our FREEDOM!" (though to the uneducated ear this could well have sounded like simple monkey gibberish) and baited the now furious coppers.

As the police closed in on McQueen's position, he made a terrifying realisation about death and the afterlife. Wracked with existentialist doubt, he made a break for the church to repent heartily, where the old bill finally slapped a net on him and returned him to his owner. "How do you feel in a word, Mr. South Lakes?" Asked a journalist. South Lakes paused for thought "In a word? Relieved... in three words, pretty fucking relieved."

Thanks to McQueen's brave actions, he is now a fully paid member of staff at South Lakes Wild Animal Park, where he operates the till in the gift shop on Sundays.

McQueen, I salute you... alright, so his name's Tony (after Livesey the Great) but it doesn't work as well within the narrative.