Bowling For Letherbridge...

Right, not sure if this one will mean much to most of you, but I’ll do what I can. The week before I departed for skiing daytime BBC soap Doctors was running a week-long special regarding a school shooting. Monday opened with shots of Dr. Simon Bond and lovable Police Sergeant Rob Hollins running through the campus, with fireworks in the sky, searching for someone, while a mysterious voiceover talked of apocalypse and destruction. All of a sudden we travel back, to 4 days earlier in the Hollins house, where it all began.

Now, Doctors is one of those programmes that has become a mainstay of the daytime slot (1.45- when I eat my lunch, otherwise I wouldn’t be watching it) garnering an impressive audience share for it's slot (albeit not a huge amount in comparison to primetime shows). It has a good reputation for a bit of knockabout fun and can have a good laugh at itself sometimes, but this year opened with a bizarre story about Dr. Jimmi Clay being captured and imprisoned by a mad Texas Chainsaw Massacre style family, Sissy and Ivor Juggins, which led to one wonderful Sky+ synopsis ‘Jimmi is still being held by the Juggins (oo er missus, bet that’s painful)’ (it didn’t say that last part). Turns out that (after about 4 weeks of it, I should add) there was a message to be had about the nature of the mentally ill, as revealed when a defiant convalescing Jimmi (who himself suffers from OCD) tackled the questioning of a slimy news reporter. This was unquestionably one of the most mental storylines I have ever witnessed (and for soap standards that’s really something), so the idea of week of episodes of day-by-day build-up to Thursday and Friday’s nightmarish crescendo about the difficult issue of school massacres and mental illness was fairly high-concept by daytime soap standards. Convieniently of trailer of the 5-day arc, entitled Master of the Universe (makes me think of Princes of the Universe everytime I see it. That or He-Man...) can be viewed here.

Needless to say there was a fair amount of plot over the course of the first four days, but I won't bore you by recounting it, instead I shall thrust you directly into the action on Friday. Troubled teenager Lewis has gathered in a seminar room those of whom he harbours the most hatred - Jack Hollins (erstwhile best friend and son of Rob and Mill Health Centre receptionist Karen), his lecturer Sia (who shot down his writings as blunt, violent and devoid of any symbolism or required elements), a girl (who I can't remember the name of, but he had already attempted to knife her... it's a long story), Ned (his younger half-brother, his father's favourite) and Karen (who found herself literally caught in the crossfire). Lewis, brandishing the assault rifle, began his rant about society and was being generally angsty when the girl made a run for the door- a rookie mistake, you hate to see it happen- then, in one of the biggest misinterpretations of the line between bravery and idiocy since Nick Griffin's appearance on Question Time, Sia leapt in front of her - another schoolboy error- and was consequently pumped full of lead (well, shot once by Lewis). Upon hearing the gunshot, Rob and Simon ran in the direction of fire and made it to the door only for Rob to be sent packing back downstairs and Simon to choose to help Sia at the risk of his own life.

The tension was ratcheting up, Lewis began checking the news channels. 'In Columbine it took 28 minutes for the story to break' he announced as he watched Midlands Today in the hope that his mentalist Virginia Tech-style home-video rant would be broadcast. Simon told him that they wouldn't show anything like that on the news. He's right, as proved by the German school-shooting details and footage of the perpetrator with his weapon only serve to glorify the violence, the best way to deal with it is to starve them of that attention. Meanwhile the police had set up a cordon outside and quite a crowd was gathering. Lewis and Ned's father had turned up (Gavin and Stacey's Steffan Rhodri... this was a little distracting, kept expecting bystanders to approach the hostage situation and go 'alright, Dave. What's ocurring?') and was yelling at the windows and being restrained by the Inspectors (as you do). Inside Simon, after stabilising Sia, was attempting to talk down Lewis. 'You're a first year, on a difficult course...' he began, as if he was suggesting 'you're under a lot of stress, I understand. We've all wanted to round up our enemies in a seminar room and kill them in cold blood, we've all been there'. Naturally, this had little effect.

Karen was the next to attempt negotiations, but this failed when Jack took a swing at Lewis with a fire extinguisher, a kerfuffle ensued, shots were fired into the air prompting Rob to disobey orders and charge upstairs to face down Lewis. Several kerfuffles later Ned ended up with the gun and pointed it a Lewis, oh how the tables hath turned. The police sniper trains his crosshairs on Ned. Surely not? Well, no, the sniper didn't fire. An acute case of daytime drama bottling it at the point in which the narrative could have become really interesting. Lewis is weaponless and being counseled by both Mr. and Mrs. Hollins, police officer and receptionist in perfect sanctimonious harmony. Our teenage gunman wanders to the window and reaches into his jacket pocket. Bang. One dead unarmed teenager. Why on earth he intimated that he was reaching for another weapon when the police sniper had a clear shot, we shall never find out. Perhaps he was attempting to recreate the airport scene in Bean: The Ultimate Disaster Movie (unlikely).

We end with a traumatised Hollins family, Rob informed that he'll face suspension for disobeying his inspector's orders, Karen and Jack having lived through the hostage situation and daughter Immie having seen it all from the sidelines while being endlessly tearsticked (uninitiated, see here). How did they cope with it all? Well, Rob kept his job, but kissed his hopes of promotion goodbye. Karen just bloody well got on with things. Jack... well, I didn't see many of last week's episodes, what with being on holiday and all, but I suspect he's just tickety boo. Immie became a lesbian to deal with the trauma- well, who wouldn't after all that?

Did Master of the Universe provide a revelation about 'lone gunman' shootings, a genuine insight into the troubled mind of the ruthless perpetrator? No. Did it provide an entertaining drama about it, sustained for 5 episodes? Just barely, with a few large contrivances along the way. Was it much better than most of the other programmes on at that time of day and the ludicrous month of Jimmi kidnap plot? Hell yes.