Posts
Now, in my eyes the true heroes of The Simpsons are Professor John Frink, Chief Clancy Wiggum, Mayor "Diamond" Joe Quimby, Troy McClure and Lionel Hutz (the final two voiced by the late, great Phil Hartman)
Frink's highlight and my favourite moment from any episode of The Simpsons ever is this marvellous example of the American attitude to substitute teachers...
Wiggum has an endless slew of brilliant highlights and is one of the most quotable characters in the show- here are a few of the best-
Lisa: Chief Wiggum, how did you get these tickets?
Wiggum: Krusty knows how to play ball.
[Flashback: Krusty sits in a porno theater. Wiggum enters behind him.]
Wiggum: Ahhh...nothin' beats a good porno movie!
Krusty: (startled) Cheif Wiggum! Is this a bust?
Wiggum: Uh, yeah. That's what it is, a bust.
[Back to reality...]
Lisa: That story isn't appropriate for children!
Wiggum: Really? I keep my pants on in this version.
Wiggum: Bye, Lisa! If anything goes wrong, just dial 911! Uh, unless it's an emergency!
Lisa: G'bye, Chief! Enjoy Bob Saget!
Wiggum: Heh, it's Bob Seger! (He looks at the tickets and frowns) Aw, crap!
Ralph Wiggum: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
Chief Wiggum: Wear 'em till you learn son, wear 'em till you learn.
Chief Wiggum: (arresting the bear, and Barney the drunk) Book 'em Lou. One count of being a bear. And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.
Quimby, as well as being a parody of Ted Kennedy, cracks a fair few funnies. My favourite being-
Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?
But it's when you put Wiggum and Quimby together that you get true comedy genius.
Quimby: [to Wiggum] Watch it, you walking tub of donut batter!
Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.
Quimby: You don't scare me. That could be anyone's ass!
Chief Wiggum: Oh, sorry folks. (Sarcastic) Gee, I really hate to spoil this little love-in, but Mr. Malloy broke the law. And when you break the law, you gotta go to jail.
Mayor Quimby: Uh, that reminds me, er, here's your monthly kickback.
Chief Wiggum: You just -- you couldn't have picked a worse time.
One of McClure's many highlights and the one I've picked for this post was his appearance in Broadway smash Planet of the Apes: the Musical. (Sadly I can only find a Spanish language version, though the important bits are still in English).
Useless lawyer Lionel Hutz was often called upon to the Simpsons out of a scrape or two and provided a fair few classic lines along the way.
Hutz: Now Marge, you've come to the right place. By hiring me as your lawyer, you also get this smoking monkey.
[sniff] Better cut down there, Smokey! [laughs]
Marge: Mr. Hutz!
Hutz: [excited] Look - he's taking another puff!
Marge: Mr. Hutz! This was all a misunderstanding; I didn't mean to take anything. [Lionel disappointedly drops the smoking monkey in a drawer full of identical critters]
Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I - uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace `accidently' with `repeatedly', and replace `dog' with `son'.
Hutz: Now Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, if that is your real name.
Have you ever forgotten anything?
Apu: No. In fact I can recite pi to 40,000 places.
And the last digit is 1.
Homer: Mmm... pie.
Hutz: Well if you never forget anything. Tell me this. What color tie am I wearing? [turns around]
Apu: You are wearing a red and white club tie in a half-windsor knot.
Hutz: Oh, I am, am I? Is that what you think? Well if that's what you think, I have something to tell you [ugh]. Something which may shock and discredit you [ugh]. And that thing is as follows [as he finally undoes the whole tie]. I'm not wearing a tie at all. [jury gasps]
Apu: If I am wrong about that. Maybe I am wrong about Mrs. Simpson.
Hutz: No further questions. [Hutz raises his arm and the tie is sticking out of his sleeve]
Marge: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?
Hutz: I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.
Homer: [whines] Oh!
Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!
Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Homer: So. Do you think I have a case?
Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
Homer: Woo hoo!
A stand-out Simpson moment was from the Season 9 episode Natural Born Kissers which featured this piece of genius (sadly I couldn't find the footage for this one).
Reverend: Now lets all thank the lord for this our new crystal church for us to behold all his natural glory.
[Homer's backside is sliding across the top of it the roof, making a huge noise]
Reverend: Now hurry, let's all look down and admire God's new parquet floor. [Eyes closed looking down as Homer still passes by on the ceiling] Eyes on the floor, still on the floor, always on God's floor.
An honourable mention should go to Arnie Pie (in the sky) for two nuggets of pure gold."I can't see through metal, Kent!" (you probably had to be there)
"I don't have a mirror that can see into people's souls, Kent, but if I did, yours would be black, Kent, black as the ace of spades!"
And to the random Canadian who called Homer a 'Shatner-stealing Mexico toucher'.
One final mention (though this is a Homer moment) goes to this wonderful, simple gag about Witness Protection schemes.
So, what are your favourite quotes/moments? Leave a comment with any I've missed.
Okey dokey, seeing as the first half of this post was mostly quotes, the astute analysis (well perhaps not) comes in this bit.
Last night I saw the last half an hour of Silent Witness on BBC1 and well, having missed all the establishing material, I found it rather difficult to follow. From what I could establish a man (Eric Cantona- last seen playing Merlin's dad in, well, 'Merlin') had been accused of pushing his wife down the stairs. Cantona claimed that she had been drunk and had fallen down the stairs, presumably because 'when ze seagulls follow ze trawler, it is because zey zink zat women will be zhrown down ze stairs'. Now the two main characters (since the other one went into a coma, but is fine now apparently) found themselves on opposing sides of the case. But who's right? That woman- you know, the posh one... her brother's in 'Lewis'- (probably not) or the well-spoken man (probably right). Well you'll find out in 30 minutes anyway.
For those of you among the Twitterati, there will be a running twit-commentary during the show. Hopefully humorous, perhaps just mildly cynical.
No comments:
Post a Comment