Silent Witness Commentary

Ok, here's something fun that you champs can do over your weekends. Watch Silent Witness on iPlayer and read my 140 character at-a-time commentary of the episode at the same time. Well, it's just a bit of fun, isn't it. (Or you could just read the commentary, it's probably better than watching the episode really... though if you don't watch the episode the Cantona joke won't make sense.)

Silent Witness is underway. Was Cantona guilty or not? It will surely be established over the next riveting 52 minutes or so.

Lies, subterfuge, seething corruption from Harry! Is that a nail in Cantona's coffin? #Silentwitness

Yes, I'm afraid I will be clogging your feeds with a tweet by tweet account of #silentwitness. Don't worry, only 48 minutes to go.

Harry's going apeshit about slipgate! Nikki's being cryptic. Emotional moment between Cantona and daughter. #Silentwitness

Cantona's daughter witnessed vampirism in the hospital where she works? How is this relevant? We may never know... #Silentwitness

Cantona wastes no time in showing his famous charm by crushing inmate's testicles. Oh and a Glasgow kiss. #Silentwitness

Oh, Nikki discovers police corruption in slipgate! Coverup? Apparently evidence of weapon found but dismissed. Crikey! #Silentwitness

Nikki attacked by the mentalist vampire, who then proceeds to die! My God this is exciting! #Silentwitness

Nikki vs. Detective round 2! Ashtray murder weapon found?! The plot is ever thickening, like some viscous... bitumen. #Silentwitness

Gruesome pathology from Harry, stoic as ever. He cut away the neck to look at the tongue? Isn't it easier to open the mouth? #Silentwitness

Vampire woman looks pretty guilty, ashtray DNA match. Does Cantona live to fight another day? #Silentwitness

Harry bitching at Nikki, ACTING. Dad issues. ACTING. Frowny expressions and storming out from Nikki. #Silentwitness

Cantona released, for the moment. But it isn't over until the fat lady sings. #Silentwitness

Harry looking for backup from Leo. H wants to go to Prague to dig up body (not very legal). Prof isn't happy, but allows it. #Silentwitness

Reached the halfway point in #Silentwitness commentary. A gallop to the finish is in store. Prague? Is Cantona really innocent? Revelations.

Vampire killed by latex! Nikki and detective resolve issues. Harry is in Prague (Czech Republic)! #Silentwitness

Cantona tells Nikki of Harry's trip to Prague. 'Truth's a lot like love' ? Oh bloody hell. #Silentwitness

Leo's back at the path lab. The voice of reason attempts to resolve the squabbling. Has a House-style limp/cane. Nice. #Silentwitness

Revelation - Vampire victim was Czech! Yelled 'help' in Czech, so he did. Something about 'trauma triggers' now. #Silentwitness

Harry's exhumed a corpse and now the archaeo-pathology begins! What does it all mean? We will surely find out. #Silentwitness

Prague woman was murdered! Was it Cantona though? Nikki's back at his house- loud music and smoking is happening. #Silentwitness

Oh, Nikki's alluding to murder of Cantona's Prague wife as cause for his daughter's PTSD. #Silentwitness

Harry phones Nikki with news of Prague wife's murder and now Cantona has trapped her in his house. #Silentwitness

Harrowing film of Cantona murdering Prague wife. Back in the real world, daughter arrives and Nikki flees. #Silentwitness

Cantona talks to daughter about Prague wife murder and she forgives him! Unadulterated craziness! #Silentwitness

Daughter might have killed Wife no. 2! She's denying it and hitting Cantona, but it's still a possibility. #Silentwitness

Cantona's confessing, but lies about wife no. 2. Nikki lambasts him in prison meeting room. #Silentwitness

Harry's back from Prague, Nikki and him patch things up in seconds. There'll probably be sex by the end of the episode... #Silentwitness

Holy mother of God, Cantona's daughter is now on the slab! Hanged herself. #Silentwitness

Cantona cries. Nikki imagines that preposterous 'truth is a lot like love speech'. Fades on wife no. 2's corpse. Charming. #Silentwitness

Well that's it, yet more confusing than the first part and everyone dead or imprisoned. Wonderful. Thus concluding #Silentwitness commentary.

So, what did we learn, kids? Well, Cantona was a murderer, but not of who we thought, his daughter was also a murderer but killed herself. There was some hokum about 'truth being like love', the sexual tension between Harry and Nikki ratcheted to impossible levels and everyone ended up dead or in prison. How very edifying...

There, that's an hour of your lives, you'll never get back. (Though, between you and me, well spent wasn't it? Really, I mean, what else would you have done...? What's that? 'Productive things'? I have no idea what you mean...)