Every Kick Mattering Massively to Someone, Presumably...

Right, yesterday saw the third Soccer Aid in which celebrities and retired pros from England and the Rest of the World kick a football not quite as well as we're used to while Clive Tyldesley tells us about how Olly Murs used to play semi-professionally and Andy Townshend reminds us that he once had a career too (nope? Me neither). I'm making light of it, but it is all for a genuinely good cause- the money raised goes to Unicef- and it is a fairly decent laugh watching out of shape blokes pretending to be Bobby Moore.

To be fair, for a few minutes the ragtag bunch of reality TV stars, actors, presenters and whatever it is that Jonathan Wilkes actually does did look like the real England team. Sadly those minutes were the last 20 or so which saw half of their 10 penalties saved by Patrick Kielty or blazed over the bar. Yes, we witnessed 90 minutes of pretty tentative football which saw a first half Nicky Byrne (your man there out of off of Westlife) penalty saved by David Seaman and a Jamie Redknapp (manager's son... not a hint of nepotism or anything...) goal on the stroke of half time, before a well-placed Teddy Sherringham header left the Rest of the World with a mountain to climb, however much like a cosmopolitan, star-studded Edmund Hillary they duly climbed it with a sweeping poacher's effort from Joe Calzaghe and a corner bundled over the line by Sammi Hyppia, leaving things all square.

So plenty to talk about, presumably we have some qualified pundits to discuss the nitty gritty to keep the real fans interested? Well, no. In fact there were more pundits on the pitch than in the studio. "What did you make of it?" asked Dermot O' Leary to Louise Redknapp, who is naturally both qualified to comment on football and make a fair, unbiased judgement, despite the fact that her husband is on the pitch. And if that wasn't intricate, Pleat-like analysis enough, we were also treated to the opinions of The Pub Landlord.

This years event was much hyped as fans and pundits alike revelled at the prospect of the legendary Zizou possibly nutting Robbie Williams or Ben Shepherd in the chest, but produced rather a different success story as 48 year old Woody Harrelson blasted home the decisive spot kick. Having taking up the game at the tender age of 40, the Hawaii-based actor is more used to the barefoot, beach brand of 'soccer', but took a crash course under Rest of the World manager Kenny Dalglish (and apparently some kids in Battersea park who let him join in their kickabout) and had the courage to strike home the 20th penalty of the shootout, past a helpless, dejected, lanky Jamie Theakston, sending the rest of the world into raptures (presumably).

Michael Sheen (Clough/Blair/Your Italian fella out of off of the Twiglet film) lifted the trophy and passed it around to fellow Welshman Gethin Jones, comedy actor Mike Myers, James Kyson-Lee (Ando from Heroes... even Tyldelsey referred to him as that), Gordon Ramsey (who can't have done his dodgy knees much good... much less his sweary, sweary mouth), Simon Baker (The Mentalist... not an accusation or derogatory assertion about his footballing ability, that's the show he's from) and of course the heroic Harrelson. Figo and Zidane turned down the offer of raising the Champers-filled silverware to their lips (presumably not much cop if you've won a World Cup or Champion's League, charity or no...).

It was left to Robbie Williams (one of the England players who 'pulled a Becks' and duly fired over the bar. Also see: Paddy McGuiness, Theakston and basically Dominic Cooper) to dissect the defeat as he talked to Dermot... or was it Kirsty Gallacher... I can't really remember. Essentially he didn't care because it was for charity (a fair point, I suppose... the old 'get out of jail free card'). We were also treated to seemingly gratuitous shots of Orlando Bloom in the BT tower reminding us how nice it was to be there as a representative of Unicef and how all of the generic t-shirted telephone operatives behind him were doing a great job. This seemed to happen during the football itself.

Well, basically Soccer Aid had everything: banal opinions in the studio, essentially pointless pitchside interviews, overweight celebrities huffing and puffing on the pitch and, of course, Bradley Walsh. Much fun was had by all and let's face it, it isn't every day that you get to see Woody from Cheers stroke a penalty past a sprawling Heart breakfast DJ or Paddy Kielty make a terrific one-on-one save against Alan Shearer.

(It's easier to be cynical about this than the BAFTAs, where the tremendous The Thick of It picked up a hat-trick of awards... although I should point out that Unicef do absolutely sterling work. Donate to them, I would)